Parrot Nation

I’m clearly obsessed. And disturbed, did I mention I am feeling very disturbed? Yup, it’s the “Mommy Blog” thing again. I know this is primarily a blog about parrots, and I’m in total agreement with this. I can hear it now in the “Parrot Web O’ Sphere:”

“Why can’t she just stick to the script and write about parrots?”

“What’s the deal with the ‘Mommy Blog’ obsession? Her blog is okay, why is she so obsessed with those things?”

Just like your life, my life is also a lot of other stuff. It’s shopping and cooking and working and cleaning. Not that this is particularly interesting, but unlike Mommy blogs, I don’t invest a lot of time writing about it.

Well, in learning more and more about blogging, you practically trip over these Mommy blogs. I believe in research. I believe that other people can teach me something. And I don’t think you necessarily learn everything about blogging about parrots by looking at other people’s blogs about parrots. So one can’t help but run into them when you’re researching blogs. They’re like rabbits.

Some of the research I do about the blogs out there is simply reading the description. But some of them pushed me right over the edge. There’s something about reading a directory of a thousand of them that give you the idea that while all of them think they have a unique story to tell, they’re pretty much all the same in description, style and subject matter.

Occasionally, I take a peek at one as I did with a blog titled: “A Tiara and a Trucker’s Mouth,”  Man, she wasn’t kidding about the “trucker’s mouth” part. Sheesh, if all she had a was a typewriter, she would have had to replace the “F” key a few times by now. I doubt her brood will ever get to read “Mommy’s blog.” It had more swear words in it than the film, “Scarface.”

And as far as I’m concerned, based on this description alone I don’t think I could face this blog in the morning. Or ever:

“Dramatic Italian Mom Of 2 Toddlers, Wife To A Greek Man, Quarantining Viruses, Capturing Poopies, Combating The Mommybrain, Learning As She Goes, Laughing All The Way, Loving Every Minute”

Umm, no.

Now this is interesting:

“Don’t make me have to use UPPERCASE!” This Full House is a full-frontal encounter into Liz’s life as a mom with four children, two cats, one super hyper sock-eating chocolate lab and too damned much laundry.”

It’s as if they saw the film, “Please Don’t Eat the Daisies” and then moved it to the other side of the tracks.

And I’ve also noticed that all of their kids are good-looking. Some descriptions:

“…One Super Cute Baby Boy!”

…raising a tremendously handsome baby boy.”

“….two beautiful kiddos…”

“….life with two adorable kiddos…”

“… a couple of dogs and one stinkin’ cute brand new baby boy.”

If you’ll notice, not one of these Moms admitted that perhaps their child was a bit, well, “not so cute.”

My Mother had a rather tough time delivering my brother. (Think “forceps.”) She always used to say that after he was born, “He looked as though he’d been dropped on the road.”

As you’ll notice, she occasionally had some rather colorful descriptions. Mom was also fairly honest with me as well and essentially told me I was never going to make it on my looks. Of course, I had an overbite that made me look like Bugs Bunny, which was corrected with five years of orthodontic braces.

I also had typical teenage skin issues so she wasn’t really stretching the truth. I think she did me a favor because I never even attempted that. So this blanket branding of every child being “adorable” escapes me.

And then there are the Mommy Blogger Obsessions. One of these themes seems to be full diapers.

Disclosure: I have changed one diaper in my life and I nearly died. I was changing Chris, my friend Lynn’s youngest boy. I also had Lynne’s sister Annie on the phone coaching me through the process. Annie was having a tough time because she was laughing so hard. Of course this didn’t do me a damned bit of good: There I was on the bathroom floor, phone tucked under my chin with a small, squirming child, a disposable diaper and I’m wishing for a gas mask, duct tape and a staple gun.

Here are some examples:

“A young mama’s journey through morning sickness, stretchmarks & diaper explosions.”

“For Crunchy Mamas Who Love Cloth Diapering And Other Things Crunchy…”

“I Like To Talk About Poop, Vlogs, & Recipes.”

Many Mommy Bloggers claim to be going crazy:

“Sometimes, Autism Is Funny. I’m Losing My Mind, One Child At A Time.”

“My Dysfunctional Life!”

“…my journey into either bliss or insanity…”

“Mama’s not gone nutso yet, but there’s still plenty of time!”

“On Motherhood, Bipolar Disorder, and Eating Disorders”

Look; I know I can’t relate. You know my current state of affairs:

“Childless, single, woman flies her keester off to a myriad of countries, braves coach class clowns, and returns home to her semi-lovely home and family of African Greys with smart mouths and an elderly dog. I’m a little left of normal and I know it. But at least I don’t obsess about toilet training, sippy-cups and full diapers.”

And I didn’t use one exclamation mark.