Please bear in mind that we’re having fun here. This is not a serious quiz, it is for entertainment purposes only. This quiz IS a toy. But I wouldn’t suggest pulling it over your head. Contents aren’t particularly hot but don’t spill it. It is not dishwasher safe. Do not ingest and do not use in the shower. Have fun.
Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible.
1.) A Parrot Person’s favorite place is:
a) In the kitchen, dishing up bowls of food.
b) Away from all of the noise
c) In the Office, writing a paper on the effect of excessive, high-pitched screaming on the human eardrum.
d) In bed assuming a pre-natal position with the electric blanket up to “9.”
2.) When singing in the shower, I would most likely sing:
a) “I Feel Bitchy, oh so Bitchy….! (Paraphrased from West Side Story’s “I Feel Pretty.”
b) “The Whipping Post” by The Allman Brothers
c) “The Medication is Wearing Off” by “The Eels.”
d) Theme from “Psycho” by Bernard Herrmann
3.) The perfect Christmas gift is:
a) Another newly rescued Bird. (Great…just what I needed! Oh, and he bites! Perfect…)
b) Yet another T-shirt with a bird on it. (Oh wow! I’ll add it to my collection!)
c) A gallon-size bottle of “Poop Off.”
d) A gallon-sized bottle of Vodka and an extra large container of Excedrin. (Now this I can use! I was almost out!)
4.) A woman’s hairstyle should:
a) Be smartly styled so that it takes an hour to do every morning.
b) Look great with feathers, dander and poop in it.
c) Hide the pre-frontal lobotomy scars.
d) Cover the little divot on my jawline from that deranged cockatoo that took a crack at me four years ago.
5.) My personal role-model is:
a) Dr. Irene Pepperberg (Great Writer! And she has a Staff!)
b) Julie Murad (She founded Gabriel Foudation! And she has a Staff!)
c) Steve Malowski of the Cincinnati Zoo. (He has a thousand or so birds. And he has a staff!)
d) Ann Brooks, Founder of Phoenix Landing (Great work! And she has a Staff and Volunteers!)
6.) If a person wants to date me, he must also like my:
a) Vacuum cleaner
b) Lack of furniture due to the bird cages.
d) frequent eye tick caused by the screaming Blue and Gold Macaw I’m fostering.
7.) I have a subscription to:
a) Bird Talk
b) Frugal Living
c) Psychology Today
d) All of the Above
8.) My list of favorite authors include:
a) Dr. Irene Pepperberg
b) Dr. Joyce Brothers
c) Rick Warren, Author of The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For?
d) The Marquis DeSade
9.) I want to date a(n):
a) Avian Vet
b) Owner of a Housecleaning Company
c) Anyone who owns a Parrot Supply store.
d) Johnny Depp (I know he doesn’t give a damn about parrots, I just want to date him.)
10.) I really admire:
a) My parents, for bringing me up right.
b) My teachers, for teaching me about life.
c) The makers of Excedrin.
d) That makers of shreddable toys. It’s the only thing that shuts them up.
11.) What initially attracted me most to parrots was:
a) Gorgeous plumage.
b) The attention I get from the neighbors when my parrots all yell simultaneously.
c) The exercise I get from cleaning the cages.
d) The glamour.
12.) I really get excited when:
a) my birds are quiet.
b) the little monster that refused to come out of his cage finally does.
c) my African Grey asks me if I’m still sober.
d) my partner does the dishes.
13.) I can’t live without:
a) stacks of newspaper
b) Bird Talk Magazine
c) my vacuum cleaner
14.) If you were really depressed, I would:
a) Listen to your problems
b) Tell you my problems
c) Get you drunk
15.) A good friend should know where I keep my:
a) House keys
b) flax-seed oil
d) all of the above
For your own amusement, if you would like, please write a 100 word essay on the theme: “A Person’s Role In the Parrot-Human Relationship: Caretaker or Whipping Boy.”