Life occasionally has a way of suddenly grabbing you by the scruff of the neck and shaking you like a puppy shakes a toy. Everything is going along just swimmingly and then stuff happens that makes you aware once again how little control you have over what happens, or is meant to be.
Things were going along right on track for me. I was doing my cleaning/organizing/de-cluttering thing. I was due to return to flying after my vacation and was just getting errands done and working on those pesky little projects one never gets to. In a previous post, I talked about how freakin’ miserable 2013 was for me as well as for quite a few of my friends:
“2013: Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down”
Unfortunately for me, 2013’s curse has bled into this year as well.
February 6th rocked my world when I had to perform CPR on a friend while visiting him the day after he got out of the hospital. I managed to keep Kent going until the paramedics arrived and took over. The emergency room managed to get his heart started again and he was put on a ventilator. He lived another 48 hours until complications finally took him. Took a week to get my back, shoulders, triceps and abdomen to stop hurting from doing chest compressions by myself for about six minutes until the paramedics arrived. Took me a couple of weeks to get over the shock and stress of the incident.
And by the way, if you don’t know CPR, learn it. You can start here:
Unfortunately, this “Curse of 2013” thing reared up again when my big brother died late Wednesday evening. We were close and he was my best friend for decades. Naturally, I am depressed about this and really don’t want to go into details about the entire situation, but chronicling the events of the last 20 years regarding my brother, his family and the entire mess would read like something out of a script for a bad reality TV show combined with a soap opera.
I couldn’t possibly write the script or make it up. Suffice it to say, it was like a bad traffic accident in slow motion and I chose to hide my eyes. I didn’t cause it, couldn’t control it and couldn’t cure it. So I stepped away from it.
I found it distasteful, disrespectful and undignified. So I just never discussed it. I’ve always been a little short in the human family department as we were never really prolific when it came to bringing children into the world. As it now stands, I’m pretty much down to 1 cousin.
I’m holding my own with caring for my three Greys, so not to worry about that. I’m just not real happy at the moment as you can imagine. My flock senses it and get upset every time I get on the phone. I guess they sense the sound of stress in my voice when I’m talking. So I’ve tried to be conscious of this and I’m trying to modulate it when I’m having a conversation. This isn’t easy as I’ve had to make some pretty hairy phone calls.
I’ll be okay. I have to. We all have to deal with stuff like this. What choice do we have when we’re up against the crap life throws at us? We all go on. And I will go on, too. Just as soon as I get out from the mental state not unlike being in a pre-natal position and under an electric blanket that’s turned up to 9.
All I know is that while it may be true that, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” it sure as hell is hard to go through. But I think that this “having to be strong” jazz is sometimes highly overrated. Because it’s tough. Really tough.
I guess that’s where time enters the picture. It helps. It heals. It gives you perspective. So if there is any reason at all to look forward to the future, it’s knowing that eventually, I’ll feel better. In the meantime, well, just getting through the day is a big job at the moment. But my Greys and I will be okay. It will just take some time.
March 8, 2014 at 9:18 am
my condolences for your losses. i remember 2003 like it was yesterday. i lost what what left of my family. i’m left with one sister and two children… and my flock. hang in there. it does get easier… eventually.
March 8, 2014 at 9:24 am
So sorry about the events kicking you in the teeth over the last year…..It is true that we all have “issues” with family, friends, jobs, etc. I myself have a pretty dysfunctional family….no “Leave it to Beaver” here…and if it just makes us stronger?…then we could take out the Justice League with one hand tied behind our back!!! AND clean a bird cage with the other…We are all here for each other to lean on….,
March 8, 2014 at 10:00 am
I’m so sorry for all these tragic occurrences in the past month Patricia. Forget that “be strong” crap. Lean on your friends. They love you and want to be there for you. I also went through a “curled up in the fetal position” back in 1995. Lost my beloved father November 1994. Lost my youngest brother in July 1995. 24 year marriage ended. New job that was way over my head with little training. I couldn’t see “up” for months. But I never forget how my friends were there for me in so many ways. Those people made me a much better person now, now that I know the universe does not revolve around me. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other every day and eventually you will come out the other side. You are in my prayers.
March 8, 2014 at 10:08 am
God bless you & your greys. Much love to you
March 8, 2014 at 10:53 am
I am so sorry. you are strong, yes, but please be kind to yourself to allow healing which is not instant . hugs to you.
March 8, 2014 at 11:07 am
WOW!!! You have certainly been through a lot in the last year or so. But you are stronger than you think you are! Be patient with yourself. Lean on those around you as you get better each day.
March 8, 2014 at 1:42 pm
So very sorry Patricia. Remember that you are human and it’s OK not to be strong. Also, remember to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. When those oxygen masks drop down from over head don’t you instruct, “…make sure to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before attempting to help someone else put on theirs.” This is very good advice that will take us through life during turbulent times too!
March 8, 2014 at 2:15 pm
So sorry to hear of these losses. I hope the rest of this year brings you peace.
March 8, 2014 at 2:24 pm
Your writing this is not only therapeutic to you after a string of losses, but for many who can relate to your words. My condolences on the loss of your beloved brother.
March 8, 2014 at 2:27 pm
Sending you Condolences and Prayers… Do take time to grieve and yes our pets do feel our emotions and most of the time that is what makes me get up and function even if I don’t feel like it… Take care and know that you have us all praying for you…
March 8, 2014 at 4:07 pm
Sending prayers your way….I understand how you feel.
March 8, 2014 at 5:42 pm
My flock and I are sending you some well needed (((HUGS)))
March 9, 2014 at 11:38 am
Condolences on… all of it. Being the “last one standing” in your family will also give you new insights. It changes things.
March 9, 2014 at 7:05 pm
So Sorry for your losses
March 12, 2014 at 12:16 am
I know am just one of a vast number of people who reads your blog, but I wanted to send my condolences and let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers, for both you and your flock.
March 13, 2014 at 1:40 pm
Wow Patricia, that is an awful lot for one person to go thru. I am very sorry for your losses. It’s true what little control we have when “life happens” I wish you peace and happiness for the rest of 2014. I love your writing. You put into words what some of us can’t.
All the best,
March 14, 2014 at 8:00 am
So very sorry for the loss of your brother & friend. Hang in there kiddo.
March 15, 2014 at 9:13 pm
My condolences for your losses. Hang in there.
March 16, 2014 at 12:57 pm
Very sorry to hear about your brother on top of an already tough year. Hugs to you and the Greys.
April 6, 2014 at 7:29 am
Pat, I know you only from your blogs …… you are an amazing person….and me thinks your blogging and ‘greys’ will help you to heal….you may feel alone but we are all in this together…..take time …..I find reflecting on the philosophy of the movie ‘groundhog day’….puts things in perspective…….2013 was a crappy year for me too…..lost a mom, dad and 40 yr. old nephew….in the space of 6 mo…… hugs.