Parrot Nation

In this time of duking it out for positions in a tight job market and the increase of applications that need processing,  companies have turned to outside resourcing to assist them in shuffling through all of the applications getting thrown at them. Many of then have turned to a third-party “workforce management” company called Kronos. The Kronos Company bought out another company that devised the test. The company was “Unicru.” Thus, the “Unicru Test.”

This is one of those tests you run into if you apply for a job online. It is a series of statements followed by the multiple choice answers, “Agree, Disagree, Strongly Agree, or Strongly Disagree.” Well!

This got me thinking about what a test for a good bird caregiver would look like. So I devised my own. It’s a tongue in cheek test simply for fun  to acknowledge the feelings of frustration, confusion and minor irritations Parrot Caregivers deal with every day.

I’m a huge believer in allowing for the frustrations as well as the gratification, amusement and comfort our birds give us. You simply can’t have one without recognizing the other. It’s a tough road we chose. But only by recognizing the sheer work and force of will it sometimes takes to deal with them day after day can we recognize and take pride in the good things that happen as a result of our work. And if we have a sense of humor about it, all the better!

I call this test the “Uni’too Parrot Household Personality Inventory.” If you’d like to take it, I’m sure you will all triumph with the position of “Parrot Household Caregiver” offered to you, but only, and I say only mind you, if you are perfectly honest. If you lie, you will flunk and have to suffer the shame of knowing you lied your keester off in order to get the position. While lying works with the Unicru test, it will throw you right into the ditch here. But to make it easier, I have provided clues that will give you an idea of how you might feel about each answer. It’s a short test, but deadly in its accuracy.

The “Uni’too Parrot Household Personality Inventory.”

1.)   When your parrot refuses to come out of his cage, throws his cooked pumpkin on your brand new dress pants, bites off a newly manicured nail and takes a crap on your semi-expensive oriental rug after having eaten spaghetti sauce, you ignore it.

A. Strongly Agree ( I am a Nun.)

B. Agree (He’s such a little hoodlum, I just take it in stride.)

C. Disagree  (At this point I’m so pissed off, I have to leave the room. This “time out” is for me.)

D. Strongly Disagree (I’m ready to drag the little sucker behind a truck. But I don’t because I took the “time out” and locked myself in the bathroom repeatedly dousing my head with cold water until I got it together long enough to deal with him rationally. He’s just doing what he does, it comes naturally and I know it. But I also know when to head for the faucet.)

2.)   You love to listen to your parrots go on a rant for about four hours screaming at the top of their little leather lungs.

A. Strongly Agree (I’m a masochist.)

B. Agree (Well, it’s to be expected now and then. Not that I like it…)

C. Disagree (Are you kidding? I have to leave the house until my sanity returns.)

D. Strongly Disagree  (If those little feathered Boomboxes don’t shut the flyin’ hell up soon, I’m going to superglue my ears shut and move to Nepal.)

3.)   You swear when you argue with your parrots.

A. Strongly Agree (Most of the swear words I know, I learned from the Amazon I adopted. Good God, that bird is an artist!)

B. Agree ( Well Yeah! I’m not freakin’ Mother Theresa for God’s sake!)

C. Disagree (Well, yes. But I just get so mad, dammit!)

D. Strongly Disagree  (Never! I don’t swear. I simply quote George Carlin.)

4.)   You have sometimes thought seriously about just finding your birds new homes.

A. Strongly Agree (Oh, come on! Absolutely! When I’ve just set the table for the dinner that took me three days to prepare for my In-Laws who are afraid of my birds anyway?  And then those little gangsters get on there and clear it like they were bussing a table at a Greek restaurant! Who in their right mind wouldn’t entertain this thought?)

B. Agree ( Yes, but I was kind of angry about the four-inch diameter hole in the dining room drywall. )

C. Disagree ( My babies? Never!)

D. Strongly Disagree  (Patricia, you will go to hell for even thinking of this question.)

Corinne Graehame’s Best Friend, Charlie Too

5.) Despite everything, the mess, the noise, the destruction, the wreckage, the insane workload, and the insanity, I’m a better person because of those little criminals.

A. Strongly Agree  (Oh, good God yes! I love the little dudes and despite the fact that they have reduced my house to rubble, I don’t give a damn. I’m stronger, more patient and have more love for them than I knew I was capable of. I’m steadier and a much better human because of them. I had no idea I would change the way I did and my life has been profoundly better despite the challenges.)

B. Agree  (Well, they’re hard but it’s kind of part of the deal. I take care of them and that’s that.)

C. Disagree ( They have a nanny. And a cleaning person. And a trainer. I don’t have to deal with any of that so it’s all good here!)

D. Strongly Disagree (Criminals? Criminals? How could you even suggest such a thing? You obviously don’t know me and you can’t judge my birds! You’re not the boss of me! *Major sobbing*)

There is no answer key. I’ll just let the test speak for itself.