Preparing Yourself For Getting a Bird
(Inspired by Amy Lawrence)
Thinking about getting your first bird? This thirteen-step guide will emotionally and physically prepare you for what it’s like to live with one. If you follow this, you will have a fairly good idea what it’s like to have one of these lovely creatures in your house.
Take a big bite of carrot. Chew it up well, but don’t swallow it. Now go out to your dining room and spew it all over the wall. Leave it there until it dries. Get a sponge and a scraper and scrape it off the wall. Repeat at least three times a week.
Go to the bird supply store. Buy everything you need for the month. Then with the leftover money, go to the grocery store and pick up a five pound box of macaroni, some parmesan cheese and some margarine. This should last you about two weeks and it’s about all you’ll be able to afford after all that money you spent at the bird supply store.
Take a newspaper to the bird supply store. Place it in the bottom of an empty bird cage. Read it while it’s laying on the bottom of the grate. This is how you will be reading the newspaper from now on.
Get some pelleted diet, some chopped up vegetables, borrow some bird poop from the bird supply store, (They’ll look at you funny but they probably won’t charge you for it.) some parrot feathers, pieces of bird toy parts, some wood chips and some almond shells. Combine in a one gallon container. Throw some of it on the floor. Now clean it up. Throw more of it on the floor. Now clean it up. Repeat at least twice a day.
Get a screwdriver from your tool kit. Make some gouges in the paint on the wall. And while you’re at it, use it to rip one of your lamp shades and smack up a couple of picture frames.
Make sure you know the meaning of all of these terms: Cloaca, preen gland, PDD, PBFD, choanal papillae, calcium to phosphorus ratio, polyomavirus, E.N.D. and boing. This involves a lot of research so get some reading glasses while you’re at it.
Measure out a cup of flour and place in a sifter. Move about your house and lightly coat all surfaces with the flour. Now dust all the surfaces. Repeat at least three times a week.
Get a copy of a wild parrot DVD. Place in the your DVD player and turn the volume up to full blast. Repeat at least three times a day for 15 minutes.
Take some of that bird poop you borrowed from the bird supply store and place it on a spatula. Now reach over your shoulder with the spatula and rub the bird poop on the back of your shirt. Let dry and then go grocery shopping. Count the number of people who either stare at you or tell you that you have bird poop on your back.
Do a little dumpster diving and collect odd items like water bottle caps, pieces of raffia, tree branches from bird safe trees, pieces of cardboard and old plastic clothesline. With these items, attempt to make an interesting toy. You have 8 minutes. You may begin.
Set the timer on your TV and DVD player for 6 a.m. with the volume turned all the way up so that the Wild parrot DVD starts playing the next morning. Repeat every morning for the rest of your life.
Get some bed sheets. Now take that screwdriver and make various beak-shaped holes in them. Take some of that bird poop and smear it on the sheets. Launder and repeat at least twice a month.
Find a reputable bird Vet and make his car payment for him. Repeat at least once a year for each bird you intend to get.
Do these exercises for as long as you can. If you can keep this up for at least 6 months without losing your mind, you just might be ready for a parrot.
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Patricia Sund
love it!
We really want one…….we are not ready! Great article!
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I am so fortunate that this isn’t how MY life with birds turned out. They let me sleep until 9!!! Unfortunately, the rest is soooooo dead on! LOL
I LOVE it! It is extremely hard work to simulate a parrot. But they do all this “work” very efficiently with seemingly little effort, even joy!!
(the spewing in example one might also include a little applesauce for authenticity…apple sauce is not always immediately visible, and soaks in, to discolor later and attract fuzz & bugs)
What does it say about all of us who keep parrots? Are we all begging for punishment? Are we really as strange, weird or eccentric as others think we are? There are some great things about parrot ownership although they escape me now!!!! All kidding aside this one was dead on. People need to know what they are ultimately getting into. My guys make a huge mess but I have no regrets. My house is dirtier, my clothes are ruined, my bank account has been better but life is full of happiness and joy that only living with a parrot can bring. There is nothing like a blue and gold nuzzled into your neck and whispering I love you. Thanks for a great read Patricia!!!
So very spot on! Especially the bit about the spatula. I cannot begin to count the times I was sitting at work, happen to look down and see a nice smear of bird crap across my thigh.
Dont’ forget to toss pomegranite seeds at the white walls… and remember to buy one of nearly all of the varieties of vegetables and fruits at the store, then explain to people that you have NO idea how to cook them or prepare them.
This is especially important with the more exotic veggies and fruits. People WILL ask you what you do with them.
thanks for this great fun article!!!
patricia, my husband and i were laughing so hard over this article that i have tears running down my face. this was great and, wow, so true lol.
Adrianne, my stock answer for that is “they go great in a dinner salad!” People nod thoughtfully, and go with it. lol
And yes, spot on, except for one thing, Patricia, and I know you know the joy of this one well- if you have other pets, especially dogs, you have to hit THEM with the spatula as well, because the parrot will be aiming for them. And then there’s a dog bath.
Touche’ Tess!
You have such a way with words!!! I loved this!!
Thanks Michelle! It was a lot of fun to write.
I really enjoyed reading this article, found it very funny and laugh out loud a couple of times. Thanks
Gary
Ok, I’m not saying it’s easy sailing when you get your first parrot. I got my first in twos so, double trouble from day one. – I’m still having mornings where I wish I drank alcohol in order to have an excuse for the headache. But at the end of the day when they ask you for a cuddle or blow you a kiss, it’s then that you realise it was all well worth the heartache. Yes, I’m the one with the two miniature hahn macaws and i wouldn’t swap them for the world. In fact its funny you should feature an african grey in the item photos as I’m just waiting to see if I’m successful in being accepted for my third bird that should be an african grey. I will keep you posted. If you have a heart for a parrot, very much like if you have a heart for a human child, you put aside all the faults and focus on the good points and soon you find that the good outweigh the bad.
Keep the faith as I intend to do.
Lots of love to all at Parrot Nation,
From Jane in the UK xxxxx
Warning: do not read this while taking a drink! This had me laughing so hard. Great training for wanna-be parrot owners.
OMGoodness! This is SO close to perfect! Every potential bird owner should be required by law to do this! I was laughing so hard at how true all that is. Ohhhhh, and lets NOT forget to fight for a hour or so to lug the cages outside to clean them, as you end up being soaking wet also, at least once a week. And my B & G loves fresh cherries ( I’ve already pitted for her) to SPLAT on my WHITE tile floor, whick stains very easy! LOL
And how the clerk always looks at you so STRANGE when each week you are buying GALLONS of vinegar! but I would do it all over again, and again and again! Even though your clothes have missing buttons and snaps, and your clothes allowance gets depleted by bird toys that last at least an hour!
Don’t forget to memorize the layouts of your remote controls, telephones and computer keyboards. Then cut, pull or pop all the buttons/keys off and get used to doing it from memory.
Tonya,
I wrote a follow up piece to this post and the keyboard key pooping is one of the items! It’s happened to two people that I know of so far.
Oh, yes. I’m a master of repairing my keyboard. But I have a “down-arrow” key that only works if you really really REALLY push it. And the f6 key no longer has a cover. Period. So…even a master keyboard repairist is no match for those beaks…
Hah. For a big parrot, it might be helpful to scatter toothpicks on the floor as well. My Lesser Sulphur-crested Cockatoo likes to chew wood but them he goes and kicks the pieces out of his cage. He’s why I consider a shop vac a necessity.
My conures have removed keys off my keyboard too.
I think this is great and very accurate and that is coming from over 11 years of experience with 16 birds at one point!!!! I love the unintentional humor in it too! The only thing I would suggest adding is to babysit someone’s kids for a week while you try to do all this stuff!! I had my birds before I had kids and worked from home and little did I know how hard it would be. It has proven to be nearly impossible to manage everything. Thanks for this wonderful article!
I rescued a “pair” of greys from a bad situation, they turned out to be both boys, and each with a very different preference in food, toys and everything else. I find myself searching for new veggies, fruits and greens to interest them, I spend hours making toys and foraging treats for them, I have to clean the floors daily, clean the cages every other day, and they don’t like their bath, so I keep trying different spray bottles and misters, still no luck. Most of the time they are both afraid of me. After 6 months, one will now allow me to scratch his head, however I still get bitten (sometimes drawing blood) and they refuse to “step up” on my hand, unless they have crash landed on the floor and need me to pick them up and put them back on top of their cage. It is a one sided relationship so far, but I keep trying to become part of the flock. When it seems like I am ready to give up, something magical happens…I will hear “good bye” when I walk out the door, or when I cover them at night and I hear a little voice say “good night”…it melts my heart, and I know that I did the right thing by giving them a home.
Yay Mark! I’ve been in that position, and yes, it is a special kind of bond. When hard experience has taught them that humans mean only pain and trouble but they let down their guard and trust you *despite* experience…it’s amazing.
That is so cute! You did a good thing for sure
Don’t give up!
I couldn’t have said it better. People just don’t realize what they’re getting into when buying a parrot. It takes lots of time and patience. If you don’t have that then forget about obtaining a bird. So many of these beautiful creatures are relegated to shelters and rescues because people didn’t think before buying. Keep up the great work. Education-education-education people!!!!!!
Sounds like being sentenced to life with a little kids going through the Terrible Twos. With no change in sight. I know a woman who has four parrots and she takes perfect care of them. But its a lifetime job.
You pretty much hit the nail on the head. Keep your eyes peeled for Part 2!
Cue up your DVD of the wild birds to play at full volume every time you try to make a phone call. Explain to the person on the other end of the phone that you do NOT live in a jungle.
Have your family or friends tell you one of the most annoying things you say or a song you might whistle throughout the day. Record that saying or song and play it on a loop for at least 15 minutes at a time 3 to 4 times a day.
After buying fresh veggies, bring them home, chop them up and throw half of the bowl contents on the floor. Repeat daily.
This is TOO wonderful! And TOO true.
I’d like to add something about bruising and blood-letting, even if they like you. I’m convinced parrot love is straight from the planet Klingon.
Stay tuned for Part 2!
This was so much fun to read. The flour exercise made me laugh the most. No one tells you about bird dust when you’re getting your first bird. My boy Yellow Naped Amazon is like a winged Pig Pen from the Peanuts cartoon. Other things I’ve learned to do or do without over the past 21 years with him: zipper pulls on my jackets–those are very enticing and must be removed, mushy banana dried and stuck on the ceiling, chewed off fax machine buttons, chunks missing from window sills and furniture. He’s the best–love him!
Very funny and very true. Laughed out loud!
Oh great, now I find this! Sorry, but you’re two years to late to save me. I’ve already learned the hard way that not a truer word was spoken. I guess I wasn’t having enough fun though, a little White-fronted Zon has just come to live with us. Oh well, double the fun!
What a terrific article!!! Love it!!! AND multiply each exercise 10 times for each medium to large parrot you have or plan on getting!!
Terrific and soooo true, I looked after a cockatoo who loved to take the winder out of watches, causes a lot of confusion when you are late for work AGAIN
please dont forget that the bigger birds love to dig, great big holes in your brand new carpet, bite all the sides of your best furniture, make big holes in your computer chairs, rip holes in the curtains (WHILE YOUR NOT WATCHING THEM) and then of course having to watch for them all the time while they are plotting aroute out of the house…. its all good fun and keeps you on your toes.
Hi Patricia
I belong to a bird club in northern Indiana. May I get permission (if proper credit given) to use this at our bird club. I don’t know if they would want to use in the newsletter or not.
Sure! Just credit it to me and use the “Parrot Nation” link. Mentioning my work in Bird Talk wouldn’t hurt either!
[...] while back I wrote a post (original post here) about how to simulate having a bird before you actually got one in order to prepare yourself and [...]
ok well this article made me laugh alot and also made me say”omg” a few times,but even after reading this i still want one..i have a huge heart and tons of time and alot of patience when it comes to animals…i joined this forum because i am seriously considering getting a grey from a lady who has one,she just doesnt have the time to spend with him that he deserves(im thankful that she loves him enough to realize this and find him an owner who does)he is 3 yrs old and healthy with no bad bad behaviour (she says lol) we all have bad days lol…the only concern i have is that i do work shift work wich requires me to sleep during the day 8 days of the mnth…with the screeching and jabbering im not too sure how well this will work but with my job i do get to sleep for 1/2 hr twice in my 12 hr shift !! so this will help hahaha…and my bedroom is way down at the other end of the house too..will just sound proof my door if i have too heehee…as for the mess,well i do clean after a chameleon(very simple) a dog and a persian cat(oh the hair!!) lol and i have no life other than my pets and my job anyways as i like to be around the house often.i have a wonderful friend who is willing to learn everything she will need to know to care for him should i ever go away for a cpl days(cant immagine leaving him for more than my job requires me too) and she is even willing to come stay in my home so he isnt alone…and she will even spen alot of time with him so he feels secure in her company(didnt mention i love my friend and her loving,kind nature,i really really do lol) so all this said i am going to meet him in a cpl days! and im soooo very excited to do so!! eeek excited!!! lol,as for buying fruits and veggies i do this anyways(in a very small scale) for the crickets i feed to my chameleon,so a bit more wont look any more silly than i already look now haha…my cat is so lazy,she doesnt catch mice or birds and has no interest in anything that moves,she will open one eye and look to see what is causing a rucuss and then go right back t sleep,this lack of interest in everything has never changed in over 12 yrs! wierd cat,but im am lucky i guess,she could be a “regular” cat and swing from the curtains and eat the food off the counters and scratch the furniture!!(this is why i am getting a bird hahahahaha) my husband and i both smoke and i have told him that the day before the bird comes into this house there will be NO more smoking in this house..he is not happy bout this but i think he will enjoy the rewards from our new baby and see how worth it it really is! he tried to tell me that if i get this bird then i should get rid of my chameleon as it requires alot more care than a bird…i looked at him and wondered “who am i really married too? he isnt a stupid man by any means but that comment made me wonder!!) hahaha he has no idea what WE are about to get into (secretly i laugh inside lol) i however do…and its me who will be doing all the cleaning and purchasing of food and toys and paying for vet bills should i ever need to..good thing i make a very decent living at my place of employment ! as for toys…oh God the toys i have seen are spectacular!! i cant wait! and im very creative too so making some once a week or so will be fun…im so glad i found this site as it has been very informative in every aspect,thank you very much! i am a member of a chameleon forum and i found it too to be very educational and it has helped me alot when i first got my chameleon,my only regret is that i didnt find it PRIOR to obtaining my cham,i could have saved alot of money and a very scary moment when i almost lost him
but thanks to that forum he is alive and very happy and healthy! so i figured surely there must be a forum dedicated to this type of parrot and i have informed the owner of my new baby that i would be joining one asap PRIOR to bringing him home so i can be as educated as possible thus escaping some bad behaviour on my part and also being aware of what TO do and what NOT to do…and giving myself some confidence as well…not to forget the very important CAN I REALLY RAISE A HEALTHY AND HAPPY BIRD….yes i think i can and with your help and my desire and love for these beautiful creatures im sure i will be ok and my new baby will be too! i have created a shortcut to this site on my desktop so that i can come here often and ask questions and get answers and also share some of my trials and errors and joy! have a very wonderful day everyone..and thanks again for having such a wonderful,fun and informative site!
[...] a couple of pretty funny and entertaining quizzes that were shared be many. The post, “Preparing Yourself For Getting a Bird” proved to be a popular way of testing your “Parrot Readiness.” I was in a [...]
I love having a parrot, though I am lucky as a Greater Vasa is not dusty, and they are relatively quiet. We have other challenges. She is so much fun and our family would be lost with out her.