Want to see more from Hagen? Click on Rudy’s nose!

I’ve been getting a workout every morning driving down I95 to Miami Airport, to fly hither, thither and yon. If you’re unfamiliar with I95 south to Miami at morning rush hour, it’s not unlike the boat trip up the Nung River in the film, Apocalypse Now:

And of course, being as it’s Christmas time, there is a downpour of Christmas music on the radio. One morning while I was busily avoiding a pile-up involving what appeared to be an EPA field inspection vehicle and a toxic waste hauler just south of Hallandale Beach Boulevard, Gene Autry’s version of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer began playing. And I began thinking about the lyrics because they bothered me.

 I don’t know if Santa’s reindeer are girls or boys but they’ve always bothered me. Such snobs! Even when I was a kid, I thought they were just so “Junior High.”

 You know Dasher and Dancer

And Prancer and Vixen,

Comet and Cupid

And Donner and Blitzen.

But do you recall

The most famous reindeer of all?

 You know what? You guys are a bunch of snotty brats. Jealous, mean and “nose-ist.” Just because Rudolph had a nose that glowed, and was big and red, you had to be mean to him? Nice.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

 Okay, so maybe he has sinus issues.

 Had a very shiny nose

 Nothing a little powder wouldn’t fix.

 And if you ever saw it

You would even say it glows

 I don’t know what the issue is here, but there’s no reason to pick nits.

 All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and call him names

 (Bitches…)

 They never let poor Rudolph

Play in any reindeer games

 Am I the only person that ever noticed this? He may get picked last, but he should at least be allowed to play.

 Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa came to say,

“Rudolph with your nose so bright

Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

 This must have done wonders for Rudolph’s self-esteem.

 Then all the reindeer loved him

 (Two-faced, brown-nosing, social-climbing battle axes…)

 And they shouted out with glee,

“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

You’ll go down in history!”

 Coattail riding, antler-knocking, Real-Housewives-of-Orange-County, “Whoo-Hoo!” screaming harridans. They’re just seeking approval from the Big Man in red.

Cartoon Brew! 

Now this isn’t fodder for kids. It teaches a bad lesson and I can’t believe we let them get away with it for as long as they have. Now it’s just my opinion, but could someone re-write this stuff and make it a bit more politically correct?

And it’s not that I’m into being entirely politically correct in a huge way.  While a stereotype may be a general impression or picture of something; right or wrong, it might just be somewhat accurate.

But this isn’t stereotyping poor little Rudolph as being the underdog that makes it to the big time because he has heart or guts or spunk. He has a physical deformity that ends up being exploited by someone else for their own gain.

However, I’m sure Rudy was thinking, “Whatever shuts up those two-faced, social-climbing caribou and gets them off my back is fine with me.”

I can’t blame him. I hope your Holiday season is going along swimmingly. And don’t forget: “Never get out of the boat.”

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