Have you ever met a person who just isn’t cut out to be a bird person? You know what I’m talking about. We’ve all met them. They have no business having a parrot in their home. You know this in your bones and can feel that understanding in the deepest darkest reaches of your soul. You know this as well as you remember your own name.

They. Should. Not. Ever. Have. A Bird. Ever.

But why? Why shouldn’t they have a bird? I have listed some reasons below, the imagined quote from the person acquiring the bird and a few comments:

No time:

“They’re so little! They should be easy to take care of, right?”

(Sweetie, you think you’re short on time now? Get a bird and you’ll see how little time you have…)

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No patience:

“This should be a snap! He can just stay in his cage! They like that, don’t they?”

(I’ve seen you throw a fit when the person giving you a pedicure used the wrong shade of polish on your toes. Get a bird and that pedicure money is going to end up being used for food. Or toys. Or perches. Then you won’t have to worry about what the hell shade she used, because you won’t be able to afford to get a pedicure.)

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You know damned well they have no idea what they’re getting into:

“Awwww! He’s so cuuuuute! I want one!”

( Ummm, no you don’t. We’ll see how cute you think he is when you don’t train him and he’s hanging by his beak from your earlobe.)

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They’ve already unloaded the first two birds they ever had:

“Well, I think I just got a couple of bad ones. This little one seems kind of nice.”

(And now you’re getting ready to screw up a third bird. Great….)

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They think it’s a “cheap” pet:

“How much can they eat, right? And seed doesn’t cost very much, right?”

(How do you feel about selling all of your hideous knock-off designer purses in a garage sale?)

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They have no idea what they eat, and just think seed is fine because that’s what they “heard” you should feed birds:

“They just eat seed, right?”

(No comment here. Just the sound of my head banging against the wall: Wham! Wham! Wham!)

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They want to give one to someone else as a Christmas or birthday gift:

“Oh, he’ll love this little guy! And I’ll also buy a bag of seed and put it in a Christmas stocking! That’s a really cute idea!”

(Continued head banging…)

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They think because a bird is relatively small, they aren’t much work and won’t take up too much space in their apartment:

“I think I have space in the back utility room. It’s nice and dark back there. He’ll like that right?”

(The answer is, “No. No, he won’t like that, you blithering idiot.”)

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They were a big fan of the show, “Baretta:”

“Fred was soooo cute! They just do those tricks naturally, right?”

(I’m in pain now. If you don’t shut up and do some research, I’m going to end up going completely through this wall.)

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They refer to a Cockatoo as a Cockatiel. Or they reverse that:

“Those are like parakeets, right?”

(Could someone call the paramedics? I seem to have damaged my frontal lobe.)

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They want one just like their neighbor’s bird because he can do tricks and he talks. You ask them what kind of parrot their neighbor has and they answer, “Green:”

“He was just the cutest thing. And he could swear and everything!”

(Gee, how cute. I’ll bet he’s a big hit at the church picnic. Why is the room spinning?)

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They like the idea of a bird as a pet because they don’t need to be walked:

“You see, if I get a bird, they don’t have to go outside and they’re easy, because they don’t need much work or attention. And they’re small, see? So no barking and they’ll just sit there and chirp and…”

(No comment. Just the sound of an ambulance siren slowly fading away.)